BEWARE of Surprises!

Last Thursday I asked Bart if he was up for an "adventurous surprise." He eyed me warily and asked what it was, but no matter what, I would not tell him; he would simply have to meet me at Chik-Fil-A the next day during his lunch break.


When I promised him good food he relented.

Not having been to a Chick-Fil-A in years I had no idea where one was, but soon found out that 3652 Walls ended up at... the MALL. I started to question my own adventurous spirit, but took courage as I tied a lovely cow patterned hair tie in my own hair and dressed the kids in full cow garb.







I then dutifully marched my crew through the mall where we got many smiles, stares and giggles. We were even approached by an 18 year-ish cell phone keosk person who asked us to stop by and give him our costumes when we were done.

As Bart came in to the food court he walked right by our cow-adorned children, thinking they were "cute" but not realizing they were his.

"Are you ready for your surprise?" I inquired, holding out a hat with cow ears pinned to it, spots and a lovely nose for him to wear. I informed him that he could either wear the full garb for a complete meal or he could borrow my hair tie to put around his neck for only an entre.

After chastising me for not wearing the entire cow outfit and giving him my fries and drink, he made a decision; fries and a drink won over pride. As he dressed in his cow attire he made it very clear there were to be NO PICTURES! Soon he was trotting off to get his free Chicken Club Sandwich meal (YUM!) complete with drink and fries.

Man I wish I had that picture!

XTRA! XTRA! Pain Enquirer Special Edition

Going To the Temple May Save Your Life Along With Your Salvation

(Picture of Glen Payne taken by family member at the wedding of his son Tyler.)

According to reliable sources, a man's life was saved yesterday as he appeared to be in the right place at the right time. Glen Payne was at the temple Saturday when he started feeling ill. He immediately laid down and elevated his feet. As a precautionary measure some workers called paramedics who thought Mr. Payne would be alright, but decided to bring him to the hospital to be checked out.

While in the ambulance Mr. Payne felt extreme pain in his chest and soon found out that he was having a heart attack. "It felt like some one extremely heavy was standing on my my chest. I couldn't breathe. It was incredibly frightening," Mr. Payne reflected.

After arriving at the hospital, Mr. Payne was quickly surrounded by 8 professionals who got him in to surgery where a 99% blockage of an artery was cleared. Mr Payne is concerned that if he had been in the small town where he resides he would not have made had been able to make it to the hospital in time to receive such competent help in a timely manner.

During an interview this morning his wife, Mrs. Kristine Payne said, "I'm happy to be breathing again and I am happy to know that he truly does have a heart."

Mr. Payne's doctor said that he'd be up and about and back to "his old self" soon. After hearing the doctor's response, one family member (who wishes to remain anonymous) asked, "Isn't there anything that you can do?!"

Donations to the family may be made through any of the Payne's 10 children who will gladly use the money to purchase the powdered dirt and seaweed mixture that will be the bulk of Mr. Payne's diet in the future.

"No worries!" the Payne's youngest, Teancum said. "I will pledge to eat all of my dad's future cake, cookies, mud pie, and ooey gooey yum-yum desert. I will also generously save all of my vegetables for him instead of sneaking them to the animals."

The family has requested prayers in their behalf.

Before going on a walk around the geriatric ward with her husband this morning, Mrs. Payne said, "He is up and walking around. Our hearts are full of gratitude for the tender mercies of the Lord in preserving his life."

** We wish you a speedy recovery daddy! Where as you gave each of us our own individual heart attacks, we ask you to respect the powdered dirt and seaweed diet.

What a Big Head!

Jared has a big head. It is true, and he is the only one that I would ever say that about. (Except maybe Rush Limbaugh, whom I actually like, but Jared does not so this is probably irritating the heck out of him!) Jared's head was literally large and my mother had to stretch out the necks of his shirts before they would fit over his head. THANK GOODNESS that he was the oldest boy because he passed on his shirts to Josh and Brian who did not have large heads, but did have his old stretched- out- necked shirts. I am sure that they thank him for passing down wisdom, smiles and good humour, but they are certainly thrilled that Jared no longer grows out of his shirts so that they no longer have to wear them. ;)

Since Jared annoyed our siblings with his shirts, I think it only fair that I annoy him with my obnoxious birthday music (which he hates!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JARED! May you have a large headed child who needs a great father who can relate!

Sunday Message; Jeffrey R. Holland

As I was thinking of freedom this weekend, I realized that the ultimate freedom comes from following the Savior. From no other source can we receive true joy and happiness that lasts, is not fleeting and gives us peace. I appreciate these words from Jeffrey R. Holland and hope that they touch your heart as well.

Freedom and Wild Pigs

HAPPY 4th!!!

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have." -Gerald Ford

"Were we to be directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread." -Thomas Jefferson

"Man will ultimately be governed by God or tyrants." -Benjamin Franklin

The following is a parable that I found on a website. To see the website, click here. I found it extremely applicable to our situation in America today:

"Free Corn
A chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Prof noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt.

The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, 'Do you know how to catch wild pigs?'

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke. 'You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence.

They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.

Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America. The government keeps pushing us toward socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. While we continually lose our freedoms - just a little at a time."

Evidence That Mom's Should Never Get Sick

A few days ago I was pretty inoperatable w/ a flu or something. Question: mom's take care of everyone in the house so when mom gets sick who takes care of her and the things that she normally does? Since Bart had to work, here is what happened at our house:

Brian looked something like this the majority of the day.

When I looked at the uncomfortable kitchen chair versus the couch... I picked to risk it and feed Chelsea on the couch. I know it is shocking after looking at Chelsea, but the couch survived. Confession: the dress was from the night before. That's right! She wore it, slept in it and wore it again until...

A while after I dressed her I noticed that I had not buttoned her up.

Yep! That's my living room. 'Nuf said!

I actually took a picture of myself, but you're not going to see that one!

**What happens at your house when mom gets sick?

Bart's Second Blog Post Ever!!!

I found this on Dr. Laura's Blog while checking out the new paint job on her Harley Trike (it is Totally Awesome, Really!!!).




I thought that this was funny enough to get even me to post a blog post. I hope that you all enjoy this as much a I did. Let me know what you think.

Thanks A-lot

Bart


Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Extortion Turned to Thievery

The Culprit:



Desperately I searched for a pacifier for Chelsea yesterday, but no luck. Picturing a torture filled 3 hours of church, I offered a 25 cent bounty to the first person who could find one. Bart said that if he found one there would be a 25 cent finders fee and a 25 cent delivery fee (equalling 50 cents), to which I rejected on the grounds of EXTORTION! Sadly we left empty handed. (Or so I thought.)



At the first peep from Chelsea, Bart pulled out the golden carrot, a pacifier, from his suit jacket pocket. He dangled it teasingly while showing with his other hand the number 5 and then zero. I, unwilling to be victim to such a plot, showed my hand... a 2 and a 5.

My backup plan was to slyly hand Bart the baby and sneak away for Sunday School. Much to my dismay he was saavy and would not accept the infant.

I tried everything, including fake crying, (which he fell for) and he allowed me to hug him, giving me a golden opportunity to search his pockets! No avail. Finally I fed her a bottle and she drifted off to sleep, making me the champion!

Between classes Bart brought the pacifier. No argument or demand for money; he simply handed it over. How sweet! I didn't even have to pay him 25 cents!

Atleast that is what I thought until on our way home he pulls out 3 shiny quarters from his pocket and tells me that he handed over the pacifier because he took 75 cents from my purse. (Inflation, ya know.) To which I justly called him a thief!

He denied being a thief and stated that he was simply a debt collector.

Sunday Message; Prayer

An Informal Prayer

“The proper way for a man to pray,”
Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,


“And the only proper attitude
Is down upon his knees.”


“Nay, I should say the way to pray,”
Said Reverend Dr. Wise,


“Is standing straight with outstretched arms
And rapt and upturned eyes.”


“Oh, no, no, no,” said Elder Snow;
“Such posture is too proud.


A man should pray with eyes fast closed
And head contritely bowed.”


“It seems to me his hands should be
Austerely clasped in front.


With both thumbs pointing toward the ground,”
Said Reverend Dr. Hunt.


“Las’ year I fell in Hodgkin’s well
Head first,” said Cyrus Brown,


“With both my heels a-striken’ up,
My head a-p’inting down;
An’ I made a prayer right then an’ there;
Best prayer I ever said;
The prayingest prayer I ever prayed;
A-standin’ on my head.”


(Sam Walter Foss, “The Prayer of Cyrus Brown,” in Stars to Steer By, ed. Louis Untermeyer [New York: Harcourt, Brace and Co., 1941], pp. 301–2.)

A Narrow Miss!

I braved Walmart today with Brian and Chelsea. It's not just my kids that are stressful, but you have dangerous old lady drivers in the parking lot, the mom's fighting over the last toy and the crowds that make you move along like cattle. I have a new fear now; children shopping cart drivers.

As I was squatting to look at a few things on the bottom shelf of the soup aisle, I was nearly plowed over by 2 small children pushing a shopping cart. They were oblivious to the lady (me) who tumbled face first, narrowly missing the row of Chicken Noodle Soup. Their parents apologized, but the children kept right on going.

Never fear! I have my own personal Prince Charming that takes the form of my 3 your old son. Brian's shout at their parting went like this, "You almost bumped my mom! I would be so lonely without her!"

I just love that kid!